


All I Want for Christmas (is not to be possessed)

by Bedtime_Star



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, M/M, Not Siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19391701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bedtime_Star/pseuds/Bedtime_Star
Summary: A mislabeled envelope, a little girl's Christmas wish, an apparently excellent postal system, and suddenly you're being followed around by a demon.





	1. To: Satan

**Author's Note:**

> Christmas season lasts all year long in my house. No it doesn't. But I saw this prompt on Tumblr, "give me an au where single parent (A)’s child accidentally writes a letter to 'Satan' instead of 'Santa' asking for their parent to fall in love and Satan sends a demon (B) to help (A) and they fall in love" and suddenly here we are.

_Dear Santa,_

_This Christmas I would really, really like it if you could help my dad find a boyfriend. He’s been really good this year, I think, mostly. He told me that it was okay to punch the guys at the gym because it was just a sport. And he sometimes comes home late and with some bruises and cuts that weren’t there the day before, but I’m sure it’s all on the up and up._

_Okay, he’s not perfect, but he’s been a really good dad! He always makes me breakfast and checks my homework! He plays with me after school and takes me with him to the gym where I’m allowed to jump rope and play. He’s a great dad and deserves to be happy. So if you could send someone his way that would be great!_

_Love, Sofía_  
_P.S. Auntie Dora says that he likes them “tall, dark, and handsome” whatever that means._

* * *

One early December morning, in a small city apartment located in "not the best part of town but not bad", a man in his late twenties waited for his young daughter to wake up and announce herself in her typical, somewhat ear shattering, manner.

“Daddy! It’s finished! I’ve finished my letter to Santa” Sofía Hargreeves shouted as she made her way out of her room carrying an envelope decorated in red and green, and inexplicably, whale stickers.

“That’s fantastic Sof! Would you like me to proof it before we send it off?” Diego Hargreeves crouched down and took the envelope from his daughter.

“No Daddy! It’s a secret! And Auntie Dora proofed it for me. I’m 110% sure that it’s good. Let’s go put it in the mailbox right now so that it will get to the North Pole in time for Christmas!” As Sofía responded Diego rummaged through a drawer for a stamp and tried to find a place on the envelope not covered in colored pencil or a whale.

“Why don’t you go put this in the mailbox and I’ll get breakfast started? Pancakes or waffles?” Diego handed his daughter back the envelope noticing a mistake in the address on the envelope. He shrugged it off as Sofía tapped her chin with the envelope thinking about her preference for breakfast.

“Waffles!” Sofía declared as she rushed off to post her letter to Santa. Diego wasn’t too worried about the mislabeling of where the letter was headed. Some postal carrier would get a laugh out of it, and then toss the letter to wherever children’s letter to Santa, or in this case, _Satan_ , were thrown.


	2. Really Not My Division

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus takes a visit to his boss' office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for footnotes (indicated by *).

_To: Klaus_

_From: Five_

_Date: 12/24/2019_

_Subject: New Assignment_

_Get your ass to my office now._

* * *

There has been debate about what the afterlife entails since the beginning of mankind millennia ago; almost everyone has gotten it wrong, or right. Earliest man figured there had to be something to explain the universe, _something more_ , and they were not wrong. However, as soon as _Homo sapiens_ started trying to define and write scripture it all gets a bit messy not correct.

On an alternate plane exists a scale that tries to keep the universe in balance: light and dark, chaos and order, good and, well, not good. And to keep this scale balanced is a bureaucracy that the Communist Party of China would be jealous of, ten times over: Afterlife™. One half of the company is ran by, what some would call Her, God. Most people at Afterlife™ just call her Vanya. For simplicity sake, most call that half Heaven. The other half of Afterlife™ is headed up by none other than Satan. A few unlucky chosen ones know him as Five. Anyone familiar with that half of the company calls it Hell; Five thinks those people are just being overly dramatic.

Klaus unfortunately was one of the unlucky few who knew Five as more than just the Prince of Darkness, ruler of Hell, the head honcho, _et cetera, et cetera._ If anyone had bothered to ask him, he did not particularly want to be on such a high rung of Hell’s bureaucratic ladder of Afterlife™, he was just so damn good at his job in sowing discord, chaos, and confusion, a true natural. Or at least, that is what he liked to tell himself. Regrettably for Klaus, his position in Afterlife™ had given him the opportunity to become quite _familiar_ with Five.

So it would have it that when Klaus saw the memo waiting for him in his office he groaned with distaste; a meeting with the boss. Now it wasn’t that Klaus didn’t have great respect for his boss, he did; however, Klaus had a long list of questions about how the supposed master orchestrator of all the chaos and unrest in the universe was so damned organized and efficient. If you asked him, Five’s methods resembled much more what he would expect Heaven’s side of operations to look like.* No one was asking Klaus though; and therefore he sauntered his way over to Five’s office before Five had the opportunity to find a reason to be pissed off at him and make his upcoming assignment a new and creative way to torture him.

“Please Delores, don’t get up on _my_ account. Our boy here is expecting me. Sent me a memo himself first thing this morning telling me, and I quote, ‘Get your ass to my office now.’ Always a pleasure Delores.” Klaus hustled as fast he could past Five’s personal secretary: Delores. One would think that it would prove difficult to give a non-living, demonic entity the chills, but Delores always gave him the creeps with her unseeing stare, unnatural stillness, almost doll like appearance. Her eyes didn’t even blink as he walked by: creepy.

“Yes Vanya, I understand that this is traditionally _your_ busy season. Yes, I understand that you keep out of our way during _our_ busy season. Yes Vanya, I understand that it was a misprint and not actually meant to come to my department. Look, we’re doing it with or without your _blessing_. It was purely professional courtesy on my part to give you a heads up that we were taking this assignment so fuck off. Yes Vanya, love you too. See you at family dinner.” With a smile Five hung up the receiver and turned towards the guest in his office.

“Ah Klaus, thank you for not screwing around and finding your way to my office. Vanya says ‘hello’” The thing about Five was his appearance indicated him to be a sweet, almost innocent thirteen year-old; what shattered that illusion was the aeons of knowledge held behind his eyes and the sharp smile that indicated he could think of twenty-nine creative ways to kill you.** Therefore, on this particular morning, Klaus was not entirely enthused to see this smile directed towards him.

“Ah, well you know, I was in the neighborhood; thought I’d pop in to say a quick hello to my little brother.” With that statement, Klaus was able to turn the look on Five’s face into a frown that was, quite frankly, even more harrowing than the smile had been.

“I swear to God that if you call me your ‘little brother’ one more time I will find ways to torture you for the next two thousand years that previously I had not had the desire to think up. We are the same age you shit, it isn’t my fault that Father created you to look like an aging male prostitute just passing his prime.”

“Oh your words do wound me Five. How can you say such hurtful things to your favorite brother?” Klaus sighed dramatically as he executed a perfect swooning motion onto the couch in Five’s office.

“I can’t, and that is why I would never call Ben an aging male prostitute just past his prime. I save the harsh truth for you, my least favorite, and most idiotic brother.” Five stood from his desk, walking around to lean against the other side, losing some of the bite to his words at his brother’s blasé reaction towards his words.

“Well now you’re just being rude. We both know you love me and think I’m hilarious, otherwise you’d send me out on field assignments more often.” Klaus knew that his brother cared deeply for him, just like he knew Five cared deeply for all of his siblings. Klaus suspected though that he wasn’t sent out on field assignments more often because his brother did not trust him to work discreetly. You bury a city in ash, sink a continent, start a cult once, and suddenly, everyone’s a critic.

"Well _Dear_ Brother, that’s how I know you’re wrong, because you are here so that I can get you out of my hair by sending you on just that, a field assignment.” Klaus blinked slowly at that; he could not be hearing that correctly. His brother had not sent him out on a field assignment since the “Y2K” debacle. Twenty years was not considered long for him, however, when you are working a desk job, twenty years suddenly starts to feel like a millennium.

“Excellent! What is it?” Klaus jumped up from the couch rubbing his hands together in glee. “A royal scandal? Mass hallucination? No, I gotta think bigger! This is my big coming out! Or my re-coming out? Doesn’t matter, I’ve gotta make a good showing of it.” Five watched his brother pacing around talking to himself at a pace that was undoubtedly inhuman and pinched his face in frustration already questioning his life choices.

“Sit down you idiot and why don’t you find out the assignment before you go off making half-cocked plans that will indubitably land you working a desk job for the rest of eternity.” Five grabbed the file off his desk and smacked his brother with it. “Read it. This is your assignment.” 

Klaus flinched away from his brother’s cardstock abuse until he was sure he was safe enough to grab the file. As his eyes skimmed the letter, his eyes widened in terror and he wondered what he did to upset his brother to recieve this kind of torture, “Five, please! This is _really_ not my division…”

**Footnotes:**

*Ironically: Heaven’s side of Afterlife™ was a disorganized mess of catastrophic proportions, however, no one yet on either side of operations had volunteered to mess through that Sysphillian task of paperwork.

** And that was before he’d stop to think about the tools at his disposal and the way to use the environment in his favor.


End file.
